animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
