Animal poetry
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Beware…..
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light