Animal poetry
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Okay
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]