[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
