Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?