Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
