Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
sometimes we need to be reminded
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment