Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

u spoke cat all this time??????

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front