Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

😆

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life