Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes