Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Brands during Pride

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂