Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”