Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
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#StillHurts
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
S M O L
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.