Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Hot Hot Hot

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

Actually cracking up @ this

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.