Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

True?

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’