animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You Might Also Like
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
dead inside
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Attacked by a mop.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Revenge served cold
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
