animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots