Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask