Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.


If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.


Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.


I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.



ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.


For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.


Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.


Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*