@casual_koala

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

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@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

@ClichedOut

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@not_delicate

Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*