Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!