Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Twitter remains undefeated

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?