Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
San Francisco has too many rules
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
This kid is going places
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it