Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign