animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?