animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.