animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
And that about sums it up.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?