Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Not messing around

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.