Anime is real
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
middle school in the ’90s
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
They got a point!
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.