Anime is real
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“That’s what” – She
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
🌱🌱🌱
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head