Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.