Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.