Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
