There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.