Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Home #decor warning.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward