Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
