Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Pizza is an emotion right?
Your secret is safeish with me
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.