Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
based al yankovic
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”