@WritePlay

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@TheTalkingPipe

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.

@TheToddWilliams

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@Cheeseboy22

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

@HepatitisAtoZ

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

@Sanbel11

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me