Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.