Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan….