Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes