Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Truth
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Every
Single
Year
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.