Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪