Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Good morning ☺️
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.