Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.