Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.