Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

The French word for sex is croissant.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.