Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*