Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me