Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Was it something I said?

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

kitchen magnet

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Somebody call the cops.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.