Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Me when someone tries to get to know me

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.