Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

oh shit

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more