*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
So many pants.
So little yoga.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Voodoo map
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?