*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
scrabbled eggs
Why are bridges so flammable.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
no one likes gloating
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.