Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

This could be us… but you playing

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?