Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?