Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.