Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

My first child will be named New Folder.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.