“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
You Might Also Like
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Wait a minute
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken