Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Morning.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

all that yoga finally paid off

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”