Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked