Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again