Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
This bar smells like my childhood.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous