Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is so top tier i cant

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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Yes 😂

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Not with that attitude

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

So creative 😂

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”