Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.