[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You Might Also Like
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
That’s classic.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
My dad teaching me to drive
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.