Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation