Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.