‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.