‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
old twitter is back baby
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
