‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

- @better_off_dad

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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*


And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.


[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra


*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.


“Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms”

-There’s nothing I can do

“There isn’t?”

-Not until you bring in your other two arms


acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore


My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.


[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies


Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??


I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.