‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“no gods no masters” = leo
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Erm…
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.