@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

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@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@PetrickSara

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

@MeetingBoy

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

@TheDanielleRock

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@SuperJuanderer

Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.

@portmanteauface

Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (stealing plutonium from terrorists to power a time machine of my own invention that, through a convoluted sequence of events, strands me in the wild west circa 1885)

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.