‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.


What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.


“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.


There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.



“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”


“sorry i couldn-”



Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.


Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (stealing plutonium from terrorists to power a time machine of my own invention that, through a convoluted sequence of events, strands me in the wild west circa 1885)


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.