Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life