Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

😲 WTF? 😆

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

three things we don’t talk about