Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

Cartman: Respect my
a a

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

This will never not be funny to me.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

“No way.” -Jose

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.