Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.